Newest Build and sell

So Charles had a birthday last week. Normally we are so poor and he has such big budget interests that we don't really ever do hardly anything for birthdays around here. You start to care a lot less as an adult don't you find?

Well you all remember that weekend when Charles took the kids to the cabin without me. I drew up some plans to build him a platform bed. He has always liked them and we could of course never afford one. So I drew up the plans and priced it out how much it would be. I contemplated building it that weekend for an early birthday present, but we didn't really have the money and I wanted to finish those other projects first.

So Charles birthday rolls around and I am trying to justify maybe just biting the bullet and spending a little tax return money on a nice gift for him. But of course that money has really been allotted for other things for a while now. I look at the clock at about 11 and think to myself, "I could probably build that bed before he gets home." And I DID!!!

I ran to the store (twice actually because I bought the wrong size wood) and built an entire platform bed in like 5 hours. It didn't get a finish on it or anything because I wanted him to choose. But not bad at all if I do say so myself. I turned out awesome, and we didn't fall through it when we slept on it.

So Charles ever the entrepreneur, challenges me to see if I could sell it and see how much for. I listed it for $160 and had a buyer coming to pay $135 within a few hours. So I made more than 100% profit! It was actually my easiest build yet. Even considering that I had to practically disassemble it twice. It didn't fit up my stairs as one piece. URG

Oh did I forget to mention that this bed cost me $62 to make!!!

Emily's poem

There have been moments in my life when I have tampered with poetry (or rather rhyming poetically) if there are any professionals out there. I by no means pretend to actually KNOW anything about real poetry, but I like it when words sound good together. Here is what I wrote and read at Emily's funeral as requested by some people.

A PROMISE

A life ended before its prime

Might possibly be the worst pain of all time

I can’t help but think of the things she’ll miss

Like running, dancing, and giggling with bliss

It seems so unfair to have to carry on here

To forget her little face is my greatest fear

There are no words at a time like this

To express the magnitude for the ones we’ll always miss

It feels so unfair when someone is taken from you

Sometimes you feel you’ll never make it through

You ache and it hurts just to be apart

From someone that could fill so much of your heart

Sometimes it seems the pain won’t go away

Some feel they’ll never make it another day

But there is something worse than losing someone you love

It’s not knowing the promise that was sent from above.

A promise of peace and hope is such a sad time

A promise that my little girl will forever be mine

And while living a life without her might be tough

We know we will be together soon enough

Heavenly Father has blessed me beyond belief

To feel peace instead of dwelling in grief

I will try to excel and be my best in this life

So I can return as an eternal mother and wife

May I live a righteous life and my faith never shift

Because an eternal family is God’s greatest gift.

Projects

Charles has a tendency sometimes to really milk some situations. His boss loss her husband 6 or 7 years ago and told Charles that he could take as much time as he needed. SO he took two full weeks! HEHE. So last week on Wednesday when I asked him if he was going back to work or not and he said no I said, "ok well then lets go somewhere" Why not if you have 6 days off work. Then I told him we could do that or have a project weekend. So he chose that. It was a little cheaper. So we finished some much needed projects and started some new ones. And we listed and sold a bunch of stuff on craigslist. LOVE IT!!

I FINALLY got my "mud room" done totally done. I have this closet by the front door and garage door like most people do. However, I have another closet downstairs so have made do without needing this one. And I REALLY wanted a drop place for all the stuff when you come in the door. So I took the door off built in a bench added some shelves, baskets and hooks, and viola! Instant mud room. Love it.



If you recall I built some little kid Adirondack chairs a couple weeks ago. They were actually a little on the tricky side so I wanted to try out one of Ana's other outdoor chair plans in a kids size and turn it into a bench. It turned out awesome and super cheap and super easy, so tackle this one if you have any interest in building something fun! Audrey was excited to pick out the paint color!






I also started refinishing my cabinets, so will post pics soon!!!

Our Special Experience

THIS IS A PRETTY PERSONAL ENTRY. BUT I WOULD RATHER ALL THE PEOPLE I LOVE GET TO BE PART OF THIS, AND I DON'T REALLY WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT OVER AND OVER SO THIS IS THE SOLUTION.

Our little baby girl Lauralyn Emily Graf was born yesterday evening. She was able to spend 6 hours on this earth fighting for her life till she went home to be with a more peaceful world.

So in a nutshell leading up to the event, I started having some really low pressure in the afternoon followed by the start of contractions. I called the doctor on call and he suggested that we go into the hospital. We got there and admitted at 4:50 and lots of pain and frustration and rushing later the baby was born at 5:57 pm. It was very fast, but probably very easy. She came super fast. It hurt A LOT of course but we were grateful at how "ease" it went considering she was breech and came out but first. Good thing she was small. She was 2 pounds and 13 inches long. Very small.

They immediately pulled her over to the little warming bed and worked on her for about 20 minutes. The doctor in charge of her came over three different times to tell me it was not going well. It was like she was asking me to tell them to stop trying. I felt a little confused though. I heard them say they did have a heartbeat and I could tell they were still working and that she was surviving, so I don’t know why she would ask me that. Yes keep going, do everything as long as needed. The only thing I could see was them doing chest compressions. She looked so little.

They finally got her to a point where they could take her into the NICU to get her onto a ventilator and try to get her doing better.

Mom and dad came in shortly after that. They said they wanted to be there with us, and I am glad they came. I am glad they got to share all of this with us. The Dr. in charge of her in the NICU came in a could times to tell us what was going on. She said that she was on the ventilator and that they would be watching her heart which had gone up at that point, and her oxygen exchange, which was not great but went up over the next couple hours. However they were concerned about the blood ph because it was really a struggle to get oxygen even started into her.

The next few hours were really a whirl. It went pretty fast in a way. I felt pretty calm and we just waited. We went down to see her in the NICU at about 8:30. I was not super alarmed at all the wires and machinery as might be expected, it was actually less than I thought it might be. I was actually shocked at how little she was and how much I didn’t recognize her. I was sitting in a wheel chair so I didn’t get a great look at her or anything but she almost didn’t feel like mine. I didn’t touch her, I didn’t know if I was allowed to. The nurse talked to us about her and that her stats were going up. We didn’t stay very long. It was kind of weird. This whole thing has just kind of been so distant, almost like I am watching it happen. I haven’t felt a lot of deep anything yet.

We went back to a new room and shortly after that I sent Charles and dad back to give her a blessing. I felt like that was important. Charles recorded it on my phone and we all sat and got to listen to that. The only thing that stood out to me is that he mentioned that the angles might be able to come be with her. I think I kind of knew at that moment that that meant she needed to go home. I didn’t really let myself think that. I have been so calm through this whole thing and that can be mislead as hope I think. Not long after the blessing the doctor from NICU came in and said that she was declining and that she would keep us updated. At that moment I felt almost an urgency to go back and see her. I hadn’t even talked to her. I hadn’t touched her, and I hadn’t told her that I loved her. Moments later they called us to come down right away. We did and there was a bustle of people around her giving her things and doing compressions and bag breathing for her. I think that was the moment it all hit me and I started to cry. I knew we were on our way down. The doctor talked to us and told us there was also something a little off with her spine. She had some contractures anyway from being so squished in the womb with no fluid and that might have led to some problems physically. But they also found a vertebra that was askew in her spine. I am not sure what that meant. They think it might have been a chromosomal problem. We won’t know that for a week or so. I got to touch her little head and talk to her. I told her that her mommy was there and that I loved her and that we were so glad she got to come be with us. They had to give her two more shots of epinephrine to get her heart rate back up. But her oxygen was down again and the ph was dropping again. The doctor said that this is normally what happens. They are able to get a baby into the NICU and they see a slight elevation in the stats for a while but then their little bodies just can’t sustain it and they give out. She said that basically they have just been applying a band aid to a really big wound. There were drastic measures that could be taken but not really with any extra hope that it would help and I think I knew right away it wasn’t right for them to be cutting into her.

We went back to the room and I got a blessing. Dad blessed us with the ability to be calmed by our decision and not second guess or feel inadequate but to know what was right. I think we had both actually decided before the blessing to let her go. That was the worst moment. To have to say those words and say that we weren’t going to try anymore. But while she was talking to us about the more serious problems these thoughts came across my mind. I thought what a blessing modern medicine is. But if this little baby would have been born 30 or 50 years ago, she never would have even made it that far. She never would have been meant to survive. I kind of felt like, maybe this is just more than she needs to handle. Maybe it was never meant to be.

A few more minutes later they called us down again. We told them we were going to just let her go. I just wanted to touch her and hold her and I could tell Charles did too. He kept a hold of her little foot like he wanted her to know we were there. They showed us back to a little room and they unhooked her and brought her back to us so we could be a lone with her. She was the tiniest little thing all bundled up in a blanket. I was worried, I didn’t know if she was gone right away or if she was still with us a little. But after a minute I could tell she was still with us. She still had some little body jerks and she was warm and looked good. We all got to hold her and we told her that her name was Lauralyn Emily Graf and that we were so happy she came to be with us for even just a little while. Then mom and dad came in and we asked them to help us sing a song for her. We sang her I have a Family Here on Earth. I knew I wanted to sing her a song that is what I do to calm my kids. I couldn’t think of which one until right before they brought her in and I knew it was right. We all struggled through it and I don’t think it was real musically astounding, but I wanted her to know those words and that we couldn’t wait to be with her again. Then dad started singing Sleep Sleep till the darkness Ends. I don’t even know if that is the title, but that song seamed really appropriate as well. Then everyone took a turn holding her. Charles told her that we were releasing her to go to sleep and rest and go home now. We sat a little while longer and also sang I am a Child of God. The doctor came in once and told us her heart beat was really low, and then came in a while later and we all knew she was gone. It was so amazing to be able to hold her and be with her in those last moments. I am so grateful that she was able to fight long enough for us to be able to have that with her. I hope she will always know how much we love her. I just know that she needed to be with us for a little while. It felt so right. I hope she has great work to do.

She felt like my babies. When I got to kiss her and hold her little hand. She felt just like when I have done that with my kids. That was amazing. Mom and I both think she looked a lot like Ethan and we both feel that this little girl will be super close to Ethan in some way. They are less than a year and a half apart and I think there will be a strong bond between them somehow. I am a little sad to tell Audrey about all this. She is old enough to understand and she was starting to get excited about it. I am going to have to take down the crib in our room now and tell her the new baby won’t be coming. That makes me really sad for some reason. I was starting to really be ok and excited about having this little baby with us. But, honestly, I think we know that this was the right decision. I never would choose to have my kids have a life of hardship and misery. And I wonder if that is what it might have been. I am just so eternally grateful to know that she is being taken care of and that she can watch over me and hopefully help her mommy to be a better person!

Mom bought this for me for my birthday to fill a much wanted request for an original nice piece of church artwork. She brought it over today to give to us early. It immediately brought tears to my eyes at how appropriate and perfect this it. I hope that this is the peace she feels now!

weekend alone productivity

My lonely two days without kids let me have a last little project weekend uninterrupted. So even with a half broken nail gun I was able to churn out a little kids table and chairs, and two little kid Adirondack chairs, and a new work bench table for my garage (this one isn't pretty so not pictured!)







FYI- a pregnancy update. Still no idea what we are having. Doc is now having me go in twice a week for monitoring, and in two weeks he is admitting me to the hospital until I give birth! AWESOME. My life with two kids, and busy personality should do just SWELL with that! We are trying not too think about it too much for now. I would rather be safe than sorry though in the overall scheme of things. We should be ok with Charles work schedule and lots of amazing family. Any ideas how to not go CRAZY in the hospital!

No one has given me the impression I will make it past 32 weeks. So luckily it shouldn't be 2 whole months or something crazy like that.

Thoughtful day

I am ALONE right now. This is the first time in three and a half years that I have had a real true break and gotten to choose what I want to do and when! Charles took the kids up to the cabin for conference weekend. I would have loved to go, but with a diagnosis like, "you could go into labor at any moment" doesn't really send the message, sure go three hours away from Las Vegas and 40 minutes away from any hospital. It is a little crazy to be without your normal responsibilities all day long eh?

Anyway. I have been a little thoughtful and trying to "fix" me as I always am.

I watched a movie last night, Eat Pray Love with Julia Roberts and there was a guy that told her something in it. He said, “Believe in love again”. I have gotten so consumed with all the things that love isn’t enough for. It doesn’t pay the bills, it doesn’t clean the house, and it doesn’t feed the kids or put them to bed. However, there is a reason that we all jump into love so willingly. Maybe it should be enough. Yes it doesn’t do all of those things, but maybe it should be the driving force in our lives that makes all that ok. If there is enough love then it should help us to remember that together we will grow and make it work. It sure is hard as anything I have ever done though! I will try better.

I hope we can all try better.

Everyone read....and Participation Please

Hey yall. Thanks for your loving remarks. Hopefully we will be able to tell what it is at my appointment Thursday.

So, I don't know if any of the rest of you have high maintenance "go to sleepers" like I do. But my kids basically require, reading time, singing time, and cuddle time. I actually don't mind this schedule seeing as I have accepted the whole hermit lifestyle.... :)

So I thought I would ask everyone's opinions. If you have some, we are always looking for more diversity. So I would like everyone's input on their

1) Top 5 favorite kids books.

2) Top 5 favorite songs to sing to your kids (preferably not a typical nursery song or primary song, we have a wrap on all those)

Here are mine in case you were wondering.
1)
No Matter What by Debi Gliori


Heaven is Having You by Giles Andreae


Parts and More Parts by Tedd Arnold


Alice the Fairy by David Shannon


I Know a Rhino by Charles Fuge


We also really really like all the 'How does a Dinosaur' books. and I love you stinky Face

2) Favorite songs to sing.
- Edelweiss from Sound of Music
- Come to My Garden from the original broadway musical of Secret Garden
- Round Shouldered Man from Secret Garden (FYI almost all the music from this play is AMAZING)
- Stay Awake from Mary Poppins
- Castle in a Cloud from Les Miserables
- And occasionally Wishing you were Somehow Here Again from Phantom (although I am sure I never sing the verses in the right order)!



So read a new book and sing your kids a new song!

Our big news

So this might be another plea to see who has actually stuck it out being a fan of our blog as my devotion to the blogging world has waned and withered. So I guess we will see.

The Graf household (ours) is expecting our 4th installment (mostly) in July (maybe). How can that even be a sentence? Well this is how, in kind of a reader's digest version.

I found out I was pregnant in December (suspected it while on a cruise so thank you to those of you who joked about all that!!) and in January experienced one day of acute bleeding. I of course thought it was a miscarriage and headed to the doctors the next day. She does an ultrasound and says, "hmmm"...pause. I sit there and wait for an explanation. Those are not exactly sounds you like to hear come out of your doctors mouth right? She tells me I am still pregnant and there is a heart beat. She does send me to a specialist to check out some concerns. I go in for another ultrasound with the pros and he tells me this baby looks fine but there is really low amniotic fluid.

Has anyone else ever even heard of this being a problem? Never knew it could be or something that surprisingly they CAN'T FIX. What does it mean? The baby needs sufficient amount of fluid for it's lungs to develop. And the hopes of a baby surviving with low fluid are really low!

This is after my first appointment with this guy at 12 weeks. This is still time in a pregnancy when you can feasibly miscarry on your own. And he tells me there is a 50% chance that that is what will happen. 25% chance we will require a DNC and a 25% chance of survival. Well thank you LDS church for not letting us think of other options because I am now at 24 weeks and this is what I know:

1. There is more than likely a tear in my sac, which is causing leakage (really annoying....no blood, but still like having a period your entire pregnancy....sweat, ruin like one of the only upsides to being pregnant!!!)
- This is actually the biggest problem at this point. With a tear in the sac you are likely to develop an infection in the uterus and that will send you into preterm labor.

2. We DO NOT want a preterm labor. Technically this baby can survive the entire pregnancy with low fluid and so we are hoping it will hold on as long as possible and let the lungs develop what they can.

3. There are still no numbers or statistics for the chances of this baby. Normal pregnancy 24 weeks: 1 in 10 babies survive, 26 weeks: 7 in 10 babies survive, and 28 weeks it is almost 97%. That however is for a normal pregnancy. I need this to last as long as possible, but no one has said they think I will go full term.

4. This weekend I can now go in for a steroid treatment (couple shots) and this helps the baby's lungs get a jump start. This really only helps a lot if there is already something there for it to help. So we cross our fingers and pray.

5. We do not now, or will we ever know exactly how much lung tissue has grown. You can't see it on ultrasound and there are no definitive tests. All other growth is normal and that apparently is a good sign. There is working kidney function. These are things that could have been a worry but are not now.

6. We still do not know what it is. Baby has been super curled up at the last two ultrasounds. Plus low fluid makes everything inside a lot harder to see. We do know that if it is a girl, chances of growth and survival are a little better. **SHH, I want a girl anyway. I think boys are weird and don't really want two of them together to amplify it all** :)

7. I have now had four appointments with the specialist. As crazy as this whole thing has been, I actually have been more encouraged at each appointment. He doesn't really say things that get my hopes up (he is awesome and takes the time to really talk to us about anything) but I think spiritually I feel a little more hopeful. We learn more each time about what the options are and what the reality is and what could happen. I don't think he expected me to make it this far. And at my appointment three days ago he said, "You have been stable for so long that I don't really expect anything to happen right away. You could feasibly make it to 30 or 32 weeks" Then of course he altered that by say, "Or you could go into labor tonight.....we never really know". But that to me is encouraging.

8. Contrary to what everyone seems to think or expect, I am fine. I think I have been blessed this whole time to kind of be passive about the whole thing. This was not a planned pregnancy and I am not someone that really feels super attached to a pregnancy before it starts moving around in there. That has started happening in the last couple weeks which is good because it gives me a way to monitor things a little on my end. I haven't been overly sad or anything. I don't really have a lot of time to think about it. Only when my kids wake me up at night and I can't go back to sleep right away. I think part of me doesn't really know what to think. My other two pregnancies have been by the book better and easier than average, and now a curve ball. Nothing I did, nothing I can do. How exactly do you deal with it?

I have been a little worried. I have never been good with sick people. I don't know how this would affect a child long term, but no one wishes for a sick child. But I did have a moment of clarity one 2 am morning. I have always been someone that doesn't really get scared about trials. I have a lot of faith in the fact that Heavenly Father knows what we can handle and that is what we do. There isn't really another option. However, I had a calming thought come to me, that even if this baby only has the opportunity to receive a body in this life, that I have done my little part in helping. I will have done my job and Heavenly Father will be proud. I also coyly smiled as the thought also came to me, that I would still be able to have four kids all in all but might only have to raise three on this earth! HEHE. I have been struggling with the thoughts of having a big family. It is expected almost in our church right? But, I just don't know that I can be a good mother to a lot of kids. SHOCKING right? No one ever says things like that. But for me, it is true. So for now, I feel ok about praying for the right thing to happen, because I have faith that it will and that we will deal with it.

So that is really the only reason that I write this out for the world. I would probably keep it a secret seeing it's delicate nature. However, I think that we could probably use all the prayers we can get! Thanks for listening and caring.

Cousins Valentines Party

We just do fun little cousins get together-s for the little holidays. Have lunch and decorate cookies and simple stuff. So fun. We did Audrey's hair in a cute little heart design! Love it.

Baby Kylee Graf photoshoot

My brother in law Paul and wife Karee has a beautiful baby girl Kylee. She is so cute and we grabbed a few cute little pics one afternoon at lunch!